Here you will find many FUN things! This section of the website has nothing to do with making money, (Unless you win some) but we thought we would add this page for your enjoyment! It's always good to be in an upbeat, happy mood when you're making money! (This is especially true in sales and marketing!) And we are happy to help you with that!
You can download funny and interesting videos, play games, download screensavers, software, emoticons, read jokes, get ringtones, win a vacation, or even finance one, Meet that special someone, and so much more! There are lots of freebies here, and lots of prizes to be won!
Also, in case you missed last weeks joke on our home page, you can find it on this page! We post a new one every week, and we add new content EVERYDAY!
Some things on this page may not be considered appropriate for children, so please proceed with caution!
Updated 08/06/08
Beer & Manure"
An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the bartender: "Me want beer!"
The bartender says: "Sure Chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out.
Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender: "Me want beer."
The bartender says: "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about, anyway?
"The Indian says, "Me in training for job as State employee; drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days."
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NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying #*$%^&$!
You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?! "
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue." She replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
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A little more humor to start your week:
(If you get offended easily, please do NOT Read the jokes on this site!)
"WHO IS JACK SCHITT?"
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
(If you get offended easily, please don't read or listen to the jokes on this page!)
"Useless Knowledge Department"
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumpin g the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
(Hope that made you smile :-)
(If you get offended easily, please do NOT Read the jokes on this site!)
A little humor to start your week:
"The population
of this country is 300 million.
160 million are
retired.
That leaves 140
million to do the work.
There are 85 million
in school.
Which leaves 55
million to do the work.
Of this there are 35
million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million
to do the work.
2.8 million
are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2
million to do the work.
Take from that total
the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And
that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given
time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to
do the work.
Now, there are
1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.
You and
me.
And there you
are,
Sitting on your
ass,
At your computer,
reading jokes.
Nice.... Real
nice!
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"Snow"
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his wife,
Carol, heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through."
Carol goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Carol goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then
the electric power goes out.
Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on
her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street
do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, like all men who are married
to BLONDES exhibit, Leroy says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
this time?"
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(If you get offended easily, please do NOT Read the jokes on this site!)
"NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN"
FUKITOL
Take 2 When Life Just Blows!
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
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"CHURCH BULLETINS": SOME NEW.
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for
church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out
and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has
been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off --- let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to
our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to
be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.!
The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing
in the park across from the Church Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning
at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done .
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday
at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door
at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new
tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours
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(If you get offended easily, do NOT Read the jokes on this site!)
"How Are Your Spelling Skills?"
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and All the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her
'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her.
'Which word?' the woman asked.
'Love.'
The woman correctly spelled 'L-o-v-e'
And Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman And asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?'
'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her.
'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.
I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.
I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer!
How do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.
'Which word?' her husband asked.
‘Czechoslovakia.'
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(If you get offended easily, please do NOT read the jokes on his page!)
(Whether Democrat or Republican or Independent or nothing, I think you'll get a kick out of this!)
"What Is Politics?"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit!
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(If you get offended easily, don't read the jokes on this page)
WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter here in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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(If you get offended easily, please don't read the jokes on this page!)
**CDC ALERT for Immediate Release**
*
*The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically*. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes -
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract ( WINE), or
Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely
eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical
alert to at least five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have
already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
CDC ALERT
(If you get offended easily, please do NOT Read the jokes on this site!)
To All My Online Friends:
As 2008 gets underway, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
And, I don't use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I won't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I don't go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I won't answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
And, I never eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I'm not worried about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I don't have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this page to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Have a wonderful day!
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(If you get offended easily, please do NOT read the jokes on this page)
Silly Daddy
A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand,
he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is so.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is,'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean
but returns to tell his mother that many of the men
have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks,
the dumber he gets.
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